I think it would be good to begin this conversation by starting off with saying that being a Nigerian is something I take very seriously. My identity as a whole is an aspect of my life that I know God is particular about. On the front burner of my identity attributes is my faith (Christain) and next to it is my Nigerian heritage. After which my gender, mixed cultural heritage, colour, accent and the other identity stuffs follows. Thus, I knew God was deliberate in placing me in Nigeria. This I came to accept graciously, despite the chaos in Nigeria. I took pride in my identity, perhaps because I chose to bask in the knowledge that we have the richest culture, dance and food (not that I have eaten much of other countries food but I have heard gist now).
I am that Nigerian that takes everything Nigeria ‘personally’. Only last week, I became teary as the Nigerian national anthem was sang at my children’s school during their end of year program. At that moment I remembered how as a child I chanted same national anthem, believing and hoping for a brighter future. Sadly, here was I singing same song with my children, reminiscing on how the country seemed to be cascading downward. Some of my friends and family will not be surprised to hear that I was a bit weepy that fateful day, because they know that I could be very emotional. However, you can not blame a girl for wearing her God given emotions. God put those emotions there, as such they must be maximized to the fullest. Enough of my blabbing about my emotions.
Let’s get back to the main gist. It is therefore in light of my love for Nigeria, that I was hopeful for the day when we would be redeemed from bad and corrupt leadership. Hence, when the whole 2023 presidential electoral process started I was very positive that this was our year of redemption. I went all out to support the most credible amongst the lot. I am sure most of you already know who that is. Of course it was none other that Peter Obi. I was challenged about his past records, as for the first time in Nigeria we were having a presidential candidate with a clean slate. No corruption and embezzlement could be accrued to his name. All his certificate were intact (void of any form of controversy). All this man stood for, did not only appeal to me but also challenged me. I prayed, fasted and even campaigned for this noble man to become the president of Nigeria.
My goal for the 2023 elections was simple; do whatever you can to get the right leader on sit. This I did but unfortunately couldn’t vote due to voters card issues. The problems in Nigeria election processes are so numerous that I would not even want to start that conversation today. But the summary is that I was very hopeful on Peter Obi becoming the next elected President of Nigeria. So, you can imagine how heart broken I was when ‘we had what we had’. For lack of better words permit me to describe the present leadership as such. It was sheer fowl play in my opinion. This unfortunately left me shattered
Simply put, I was heartbroken! I literally wept. I questioned God; I asked him if he cared a hoot about Nigeria? I felt he favored Israel over us. I was broken, very broken. I wondered if my Nigeria was under some sort of curse. I felt God didn’t care and so I decided not to care either. During that very week I began to indulge myself in reading literatures that God had longed delivered me from. I used these novels to cushion my pain, the same way drug addicts use illegal and not prescribed drugs to numb pain. Of course, my prayer life and devotional life which wasn’t at its best place at that time, worsened also. My hurt however did not stop my involvement in church and all other godly activities. I am a church girl through and through, so I am very good at doing church even when I am not good with God. This is an act I have mastered overtime and I am quite good at. Sadly also, is that during this phase those around me thought I was okay, even though I was drowning. My husband who suspected I was not fine, felt It was only a phase, and that I should snap myself out of it.
I must mention that I was also angry with those that supported the opposition. I felt these individuals were given to tribal sentiments or/and just very selfish persons. I was very hurt that I could not help developing some form of resentment towards such persons. I was just so angry and hurt, I couldn’t help myself. I even stopped watching news stations, avoiding political discussions. Again, I say I was very very hurt, that I even began to pray prayers I never thought I was capable of praying. I wanted God to kill the announced winner. Oh yes! I imagined all kinds of death for him, while waiting for God’s vengeance. Like an entitled child, I felt God owed me that much and I waited patiently but still God was quiet. So, after the presidential swearing in, i gave up on Gods love for Nigeria and this affected how I began to see myself. I felt God did not love me as much as He did persons from other nations. The irony, is that I wore my feelings beneath the surface such that only those very close could suspect. Even at that, the extent of my heartbreak was only known to me.
To be continued…
Mytruths 